He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
