i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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