dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
