when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
