After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize