Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
