Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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