I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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