How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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