His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
