I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
