I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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