At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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