He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
