Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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