Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
