Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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