i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Never underestimate the power of titties
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
