I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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