I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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