it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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