Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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