On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she looked like the before picture.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
