My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
