Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
