I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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