i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
