someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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