2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
