someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
