dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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