My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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