I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
