I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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