Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
