He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
