But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
