she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I die, sorry about rent.
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