apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
