I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
