I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
