she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me they were just razor bumps!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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