I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
