First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I will pee on everything he values.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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