I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
