i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
