it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
