he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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