She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I got inside last night via doggy door
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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