Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
