4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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