Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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