dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
