new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
