He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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