Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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