Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I could fuck to npr.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
