shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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