Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize