I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I intend to get homeless drunk
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
