i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
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I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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